Almost two weeks after the heavily disputed Iranian elections, the question still remains: Was the election rigged? According to the Guardian Council’s spokesman, Abbas-Ali Kadkhodaei, “[There were] No major irregularities in Iran's election,” yet they have requested a 5 day extension to continue their investigations. Meanwhile on the streets of Tehran, people continue demonstrating and get beaten and killed as a result, as a report from McClatchy News describes.

My name is Shams, a pseudonym. My parents are from Iran and Pakistan and I was born in the U.S. I grew up in all three countries and speak all three languages fluently. I spent my teenage years growing up and attending school in Tehran. I have been living in the U.S. for the last 9 years. As I watch events unfold in Iran, I can’t help but feel a mixture of guilt, rage, excitement and reservation. On one hand, after having lived under the Islamic Regime and experiencing the oppression first-hand, I know how exciting and incredible these demonstrations are and how much hope they are eliciting worldwide. Yet, on the other hand, I have strong reservations and doubts about what the Iranian government wants the world to know or see and what is actually happening behind closed doors.

Chaos has been allowed to erupt in Iran because the rulers are divided. On closer observation, there is a lot happening in the leading ranks. Clerics, parliament members and other civil servants have been voicing concerns over the elections and the violence that has ensued in opposition to the results. Ahmadinejad, supported by Iran’s Supreme Leader, is seen in this video, meeting with clerics and talking about a change that will take away the right to vote. While Rafsanjani, his main rival and head of the Assembly of Experts, held an emergency meeting with the same body to discuss post-election matters. This body also has the constitutional power to depose the Supreme Leader. According to the Huffington Post, Rafsanjani’s meeting was seen as a possible threat to the current government and brought about the immediate arrest of his relatives as “a clear warning from the hard-line establishment to a cleric who may be aligning himself with the opposition.”

When I lived in Iran, life was normal in the most basic sense of the word. We had our parties, met with boys, ate, drank and made merry, but all out of sight of the authorities. Yet, we wanted more. We wanted the chance to voice our opinions without being arrested or shut down. We wanted the ability to walk down the street without being persecuted for what we were wearing or not wearing. We wanted to listen to music and show our art publicly, even if it had controversial subjects. But we were too afraid. We were afraid of all that we heard from those who had gotten arrested and beaten for speaking out, wearing what they wanted to, or listening to loud rock music…

I returned to visit in 2005, when Ahmadinejad had just won the elections, and what I saw was very disheartening. I saw a population of young and talented people wasting away by means of drugs, alcohol and a general sense of indifference. No one was concerned about rights or freedoms; they just wanted to escape reality.

At this pivotal moment in history, I watch the demonstrations and masses of people all over the country pouring into the streets, speaking their minds and standing together, with tears in my eyes. It has made me wildly joyful and filled with hope to know that those same indifferent people from a few years ago are rising up to the challenge of fighting for what they want: freedom.

So, what will become of my people and country? All I can do is pray that none of the lives that have been lost, the suffering or the anguish experienced is in vain, and that whatever change takes place is for the best and is defined by the people.